As it happens

I was very close to sinking into the sewers today
I got some text messages that sent my blood boiling
But i chose not to react as i was being pushed to

I just reminded myself that it was a case of mind over matter

I do not mind cos it does not matter.

Anyways, my final departure date from the UK has been confirmed
I will be flying out on the 15th of May.
These are exciting times and i cannot wait to leave so much behind me

I will keep my people posted

30 Years on....

Today marks 30yrs that my mother passed away
It has been an emotional day so far

To those of you that i have spoken to today and
I have been distant
Been quick to dismiss off the phone
I have snapped at
And been mean to,

I am sorry. Please accept my apology, its been one of those days.

Mistakes

There are things we do in life that are mistakes
Some of them we are able to rectify,
Some of them we live with the consequences
Then, there are those things we do that we want to call mistakes but they are not
They are deliberate actions born from either the conscious or the subconscious

If a man consciously raises his hand to strike a woman,
There should be no mistaking that action
It was deliberate and might possibly happen again
That is not to say it will, and forgiving a one time mistake is ok,
The second time, it is called a habit and a habit is difficult to get rid of

It is those second time actions or repeat actions that tell you exactly what to expect
As human beings, we all have the first mistake or are on the receiving end of the first mistake
Most of us have the spirit of forgiveness and we use it
At that moment, we expect that and forgive on the understanding that it was a mistake,
Unfortunately for some of us, that same action happens again.
At this time, please understand something, it is a habit.

For those in relationships, this should be the point where we pause
Take a moment to review this situation and make a judgement
Can you live with this habit or not
I have heard many friends complain after marriage that one partner does one thing constantly
Many marriages have ended in divorces over habits

The problem with habits is that they may seem to be little things before a relationship,
But during a relationship, they grow a life of their own
All of us see these habits before we commit to relationships
We either chose consciously or subconsciously to accept them, ignore them or walk away
If you choose to accept them, it means that you have decided that it is something you can handle
If you choose to ignore them, then you will meet the consequences later in the future
If you choose to walk away, you have admitted to yourself that it is something you cant handle
And in that process, you have spared in the minimum two people,
A future of potential heartaches.

A lot to do

My people, time has crept up on me and now i realise how much i have to do
I have to shut the door on a few things and look forward,
Concentrate on the things that will be my future now and look forward

I have to put my car up for sale like yesterday
Need to sort out my house
Need to pack my belongings
Need to sort out all my relevant documents
Need to, need to, need to....

Quite a lot to do.

Raw

Recently went through some emotional trauma
At the moment it happened, i was really hurt and devastated
It was the most humiliating of experience that nobody deserves

I could stay mad but i choose not to be
God has delivered me from a potentially damaging future
So i am not mad at you

Listen and heed my advise
Either go back and sort things out or give yourself a lot more space
I wish you all the best in your future endeavours

Question

This is for my sistas to answer...

Where do you draw the line between a man telling you what to do and a man that just cares?
Is it possible that a man can offer an opinion without dictating?

How do we as men offer an opinion without it turning to us being dictatorial?
Can we be allowed to be men without you guys being afraid to handle it?

A man's instinct is to protect what is his
Letting a man be a man means that you let him protect you as well

Since i've been away

I have been away for a good minute and a few things have happened

I am still in the process of finding an estate agent to give my house to
I have 4 appointments this afternnon
fingers crossed

I was also in Edinburgh for a few days
Edinburgh is a wonderful place with a lot of history
To think that i have been to Edinburgh about 15times but never saw all the places i saw
I would travel from the airport to the building site, have my meetings and drive straight back to the airport.
It also helped that my companion had been to Edibburgh as a tourist so she knew the nooks and crany of the town. She also introduced me to this amazing restuatant "Jimmy Chong's". It is an all you can eat place and the food is out of this world. she had to ban me from going back there a third night so i might be going back there for another night of gluttony!

Estate agents

The past 24hrs have been quite stressful. I have had to see 11 estate agents, discussing the possibility of renting out my house and all the other things that surround that.
I never new that renting out a property in the UK is so stressful. Your house has to comply with so many regulations and if you are leaving the house furnished, things like you sofa and bed have to have a fire safety certificate or tag from the manufacturers. There are tax exempt forms to fill ass well as notifying your mortgage lender and insurance companies.

On top of all that, you have the estate agents fees to deal with. These guys are criminals, ready to rinse you of your money if you let them without having the liability for anything. They charge you a commission on the rental value every month for the priviledge of "managing" your property. They in fact will be doing nothing!

How now?

My people how body? i just wan hail my people dem.
Its been a while since i said hello to you all
so here goes; Hi, i have missed a few of you and will be getting in touch soon
A lot has happened in the past few days that i need to tell y'all about.
I'd be right back though.

Thinking out loud

I hope you see in my eyes
what my lips are scared to say.

Feelings

I am feeling very upset, angry, misunderstood, unappreciated, disrespected, tired, deflated, defeated, unhappy, trodden on.

I want to go home, lock my door and just lie down in the dark.

Give me strength Lord

Holy Spirit
Give me strength
Not to be stronger than my brother
But to fight my greatest enemy; myself

Friend

Among the great and glorious gifts our heavenly Father sends,
Is the gift of understanding that we find in a loving friend,
For in this world of trouble that is filled with anxious care,
Everybody needs a friend in whom they're free to share,
The little secret heartaches that lay heavy on their mind,
We seek our true and trusted friend in the knowledge that we'll find,
A heart that's sympathetic and an understanding mind.

What is this 'we' thing?

What is the meaning of "we"?
Now people please dont laugh and this is not me going off on a tangent
But when does you and i become a we?
Not the nintendo wii so please be serious

I am struggling to understand when "we" becomes applicable and what responsibilities come with this "we" ***t!
Is "we" practical and how much of ones self should be given over to this "we" dude!

I need to understand if "we" has boundaries, does it allow for individuality and if it lends itself to being totally selfless.

I desperately need honest answers as i possibly have the meaning of "we" totally wrong.

Closing in

It hit me today that friday will be my last day with this company.
I have had some fun times here and at the same time, had some not so fun times.
As a christian, i have to say that God ordered my steps to this place
It has been a happy place for me and i was blessed with bosses that remembered they were human beings as we are.

I have also made friends with some colleagues here and i will miss them
Things have changed in the company recently with the redundancy situation and with the comany being bought by another company but the bosses have tried to keep most of the culture associated with the company.

I was a bit sad having to break the news to my boss as he really wanted me to stay but this is an opportunity i could not pass up. Its not about the money cos if it was, i would have accepted the first offer that came to me. it was a crazy offer thrown at me but it would mean that i would have done my master degree for nothing as it would stall my continuous growth in my area of specialization.

The company i will be working with are probably the biggest in my area of specialization and they do the most amazing projects that would put me in another stratosphere in terms of work experience.

As the time draws closer for me to move, i want to thank those of you that have been a blessing in my life. Please do not stop praying for me as i would need it. I will definately still be in constant touch with you all and to Juanita, know that i will always be on the other end of the phone anytime of the day and only an extra couple of miles away so i will always be around for as long as you want me to be.

whats going on?

Questions, thoughts, thoughts, questions,
More questions, more questions, thoughts

Why is my head not clear?

Are you one of the great ones?

I have recently learnt a new phrase.

As a man, you are only allowed three great women in your lifetime

For me, the great women in my life are:-

My mother - the first great woman in my life,
The second great woman i will keep to myself
Are you the third one?

Questions, questions!

Questions,questions.

What stops you from asking questions face to face?

Until fear is turned into Faith and timidity into Confidence can one be deemed to be called a MAN!

Anonymous, Thank you for your comment. I will however like to correct your understanding of my situation.

I have every faith in the things i do cos i know my steps are ordered of God and contrary to most people's idea of what a man should be, it is not in anyway a sign of weakeness for a man to go through moments of doubt in his head. It only goes to show that contrary to the over subscribed idea that men are emotionless bone heads who think of nothing but the next girl to sleep with or next can of beer, we do have moments that we ponder and let our thoughts wonder.

So the next time you are in doubt as to the difference between being a man and being timid, check this, my pondering or thinking is a way of me purging my head of the negatives working their way around. those that know me will tell you that timid is the last word that describes me.

Have a nice day.

Are you?

Are you floating on the clouds like i am
Or are your feet on solid ground

Are you lost in thots about me all day
Or are you too preoccupied with other things to think about me

Do you feel me and want to be around me all the time
Or do you forget i exist

Do you long to be in my arms once again
Or does your teddy bear do a better job

Do you want me lying next to you
Or is it cramped for space on the bed with two?

When you look into my eyes, do you feel the affection
Or are they too bloodshot to reveal my desires

Do you want to kiss me again
Or are my lips too dry to stir any emotions in you

Is your heart growing any fonder of me
Or is this wishful thinking on my part

Are you that person for me
Or just the person for this season?

A beautiful day

Yesterday, i had a brilliant day. Technically, i am still having a wonderful day by proxy cos i keep reminiscing about yesterday.

It felt like a defining moment; a watershed if you like

I wish i could tell you all about it but i cant, no, i dont want to

Still smoothening out the rough edges but even the rough edges dont seem to be an issue.

I went to Bournemouth for the first time yesterday and i gotta say, its a beautiful place.

I'll be back soon.......

In my moment of thots...

People spend a lifetime searching for hapiness; looking for love
They chase idle dreams; addictions and even other people
hoping to fill the emptiness that plaques them
the irony is that the only place you ever needed to search was within you

Never assume you've got lots of time to do those important things
though the future seems to stretch far.
Maybe you intend to scale those heights far away
but what matters most - is the hill you've got to climb today

Face your past and leave it there
handle your present with conviction
prepare for your future without fear
Hold on to faith in what is right and drop your fears

Dance like nobody is watching
dream like you will live forever
live like you are going to die tomorrow
and let your heart love like it is never going to hurt.

Little moments of joy

Little Moments Of Joy

Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. It was a cowboy’s life, a life for someone who wanted no boss. What I didn’t realize was that it was also a ministry.

Because I drove the night shift, my cab became a moving confessional. Passengers climbed in, sat behind me in total anonymity, and told me about their lives. I encountered people whose lives amazed me, ennobled me, made me laugh and weep.

But none touched me more than a woman I picked up late one August night.

I was responding to a call from a small brick fourplex in a quiet part of town. I assumed I was being sent to pick up some partiers, or someone who had just had a fight with a lover, or a worker heading to an early shift at some factory for the industrial part of town.
When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away. But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself. So I walked to the door and knocked.

“Just a minute,” answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940’s movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

“Would you carry my bag out to the car?” she said.

I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.

“It’s nothing,” I told her. “I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated.”

“Oh, you’re such a good boy,” she said.

When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, “Could you drive through downtown?”

“It’s not the shortest way,” I answered quickly.

“Oh, I don’t mind,” she said. “I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to a hospice.”

I looked in the rear view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. “I don’t have any family left,” she continued. “The doctor says I don’t have very long.”

I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. “What route would you like me to take?” I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she’d ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, “I’m tired. Let’s go now.”
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

“How much do I owe you?” she asked, reaching into her purse.

“Nothing,” I said.

“You have to make a living,” she answered.

“There are other passengers,” I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.

“You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,” she said. “Thank you.”

I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn’t pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient at the end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don’t think that I have done anything more important in my life. We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware–beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

People may not remember exactly what you did, or what you said, …but they will always remember how you made them feel.