Quitter!

Today, i almost quit on something.

Trust me, i have never agonised like this before on anything.
It has been a difficult day, even my pappi heard it in my voice
so i had to tell all.
He was quite concerned but like my pappi usually is, he was ever the voice of reason
Today, i learnt that i was doing more harm than good and i need to deal with it
and as usual, he asked me to pray for wisdom.

At lunch time, i said a little prayer and decided to let myself breathe.
Just a few minutes ago, a dear friend emailed me the text below.

Don't give up.....

One day I decided to quit...
I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality... I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God. 'God', I asked, 'Can you give me one good reason not to quit?'
His answer surprised me... 'Look around', He said. 'Do you see the fern and the bamboo?'
'Yes', I replied.
'When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. He said. 'In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would not quit.' He said. 'Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant...But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive.
I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle.' He asked me.
'Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots'.
'I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you.'
'Don't compare yourself to others.' He said. 'The bamboo had a different Purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful.'
'Your time will come', God said to me. 'You will rise high' 'How high should I rise?'
I asked. 'How high will the bamboo rise?' He asked in return. 'As high as it can?' I questioned. 'Yes.' He said, 'Give me glory by rising as high as you can.'
I left the forest and brought back this story. I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you.
Never, Never, Never Give up. For the Christian Prayer is not an option but an opportunity. Don't tell the Lord how big the problem is, tell the problem how Great the Lord is!

God has used you to bless me in a way you wont understand.

Thank you for these words.

NHS

I know we all complain about the NHS but i was able to see the work schedule of a doctor friend and i have to say, they do some pretty long hrs, get a lot of stick from us and have to put up with it all so for one time and one time only, i say thank you to everyone that work in the NHS for the effort you all put in.

I hear you

How was your weekend?
Mine was nice.
See your face, you were waiting for me to drop the gist
But nothing for you.
It was my Godson's first birthday on saturday. He is the cutest little thing on earth
He spent quite some time in my arms, drolling and snorting all over me.
He was feeling a little bit under the weather and i constantly was aware of his temperature.
A doctor friend had to tell me at one point that he is ok and i should stop fussing
Am i going to be the kind of father that will wrap my kids in cotton wool?

Met up with a friend as well and found out that she was engaged.

Someone other than me drove my car and i was comfy about that

Spent some time with a car mechanic

Went to the cinema

Wanted some peppersoup but did not get it.

All in all, i guess it was a good weekend. Scub that, It was a good weekend. I got to see certain things for what they really are as opposed to what i had been shown.

Crossroads 3

Finally...........

Today is the day. It is the day i had been looking at as it was drawing closer and closer each minute.

Today, i have to tell my MD what i have decided to do.
Am i going to stay with the company?
Am i leaving?

I have the answer but will give you all a comprehensive gist of the meeting at a later time.

Even as i am thinking about things, i am beginning to really miss you.
I don't know what will become of us and for the first time, my heart aches over that
I want you to know though that wherever i go and whatever i do, i want you around me.

I am all of a sudden, a man in misery.

I am feeling emotional

Been rehearsing in my mind so i'll be ready when its time
Knew i would be the best man i could ever be
Giving that which is of me
And that i find the strength and courage to seek

For the first time, i miss you terribly as you are not with me
Not having a clue what has come over me
Or what would become of us

I opened myself to you in a way i'd never done,
Letting you into my insecurities,
Giving you a pass, with all access granted

I feel like i am drifting through a cruel joke
Because when i looked into your eyes, it was empty,
Devoid of any emotion, chilling, spreading fear through me

I am not sure i am the man you want
Try as hard as i do, i fall short of your desires
I have been clinging on, hoping you will see the sincerity of my heart

Has the time come for me to concede?
Accept defeat graciously as you so often hint on many occasions

I know you feel something
But i want more
More than the occasional glance
The quiet stares that mean something to you, but are questions to me

Never mind though, i am only rambling cos its my time of the month!

Unknowns

Is it God's plan for one person to have such an effect on our emotional state of mind
at certain times in our lives?
Why is my emotional state of mind dependent on the things you say or do to me?
I have wondered on so many occasions why as human beings we have no control
over certain organs in our body but we are the species that thrive most on controlling
our environment and those around us?
Are those desires to control born out of fear of the unknown?
what am i afraid of?
One of the closest people around me constantly tells me to ditch my fear
How can i when my fear is one of the few things i have control over?
I have just been told that i cannot have control over fear but check this,
I know how to deal with my fear, it is the unknown that i am more concerned about
You bring alot of unknowns when you cross my path and it is for that reason that i wonder,
Are you bringing with you that which is a killer situation, questions, answers to my many questions or as i suspect, more unknowns?

I have been very fortunate to have dealt with some unknowns in previous lives and worked
through them so the fear of working through an unknown should not be daunting or will not be daunting as long as you stick around to work through them with me.

Selectivity

Selection: the process of making a choice/choices ahead of others.
Is it possible for me to select the parts of you that i like
leaving those i do not like behind?
Is it possible to like you on monday, not on tuesday but like you on wednesday?
Am i delusional about who you are and what you want?

There are those times when i like you
and other times when i dont like you alot
But the main thing is the feeling of not liking you is temporary

I like open minded people to
share jokes with and enjoy a decent banter with
It feels so different when you are here though
Its like being with a different person

I have looked at things in depth and questions arise about me

1. Am i commitment shy?
2. Am i afraid of the unknown, being selective about liking only the known?

I have enjoyed the pleasure of past kodac moments, being afraid to risk the
emotional strain of creating new ones.
The pleasure of those moments was the bonding with the unknown,
letting my self for that moment, and that person, blindly enjoy that which the
other person gives of herself freely, believing that i will reciprocate those feelings.

I can spend an eternity analysing myself but do you do the same?

Are you commitment shy?
Are you afriad of the unknown?
Are you stuck in your comfort zone?
Are you aware of important things?
Do you know what you want?
do you realise it cannot be on just your terms?
Can you walk away?
Are your fears much deeper than the solution on offer?

Questions, questions.

Criptonite

Are you my criptonite?

In the face of all that gives me the strength that has made me who i am,
I wilt in your presence
I tell myself it is not happening,
Convinced that it is only an inconsistency

I find my strength when you are not around
Taking the time to be rational, pleading for a way out
Coming to decisions that on paper makes the most sense

I find courage within myself, letting you know how i feel,
Even though cowardly, its on the phone
I tell myself, I am doing the right thing,
Trying desperately to be non-chalant and uncaring

You pull up in front of my house
My pulse rate increasing, sensing i am loosing control already
In a moment of eye contact,
All my brave decisions seem stupid, my strength, being sapped out of me

I start to weaken as you hug me
Gently letting your hands rest on the back of my neck
I can smell you, feeling your warmth as you hold me
easing the resistance out of me, holding me the way i like

My brave front is struggling
The S on my chest is gradually wearing off
I know my resistance is futile as it becomes clear to me,
You are my Criptonite.

Did you know?

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart are really weak and most susceptible?

Did you know that those who spend time helping others are the ones that really need someone to be there for them?

Did you know that the most difficult things to say are I love you, sorry and help me?

It is easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face, but it has more value when you say it to their face.

You looked beyond my outer screen, deep into me and saw me for who i trully was and i
have looked beyond that screen that is your expressionless face and see beneath the outer
shell and know that after its all said and done, you are (justyou).

Cross-roads 2

To my friends that have all called concerned about my employment situation,
i say thank you, i am doing well.

As God has always intended for me, i am in a position where i can pick and choose
a job right now and walk in the next day if that is what i want. I on the other hand
dont want to rush my next career move as i know it will be a major defining moment
in my life. I ask that you all pray for me, asking God to speak to me and lead me where
he has laid a table for me to feast. I will keep you all posted.

On the other side of things, i went to Dubai for 3 days and wow!!! That place is beautiful. Most
of it is still a building site as there are so many things going on at the same time but friends,
those are people thinking about the future of their country. Some of the things they have
done might come back to bite them in the you know where, like sand filling to reclaim land
(Victoria island in lagos is suffering now) but wow!!!!

As some of you might know, i am considering relocating there but there are so many other factors i need to consider and that is why i did not come back and start packing straight
away.

The moment i walked back into the office, i was bombarded with questions on whether i
will be staying with the company or not. I can tell you all that regardless of whether i move
to Dubai or not, i have decided to leave this place. Some of you are wondering right now as to how i am still righting about my old company even though they made us all redundant. Well,
a group of companies bought the company over after it went into administration and chose
a handful of us to come back and continue working for the company with many promises
that i do not believe. I would have stayed but i know my time here is up and i am only here
to make sure i finish the project i was dealing with personally. I have too much blood, sweat
and tears invested in the project to let anyone else ruin it. if anyone is going to ruin it, it must be me, jusy joking!!!

I feel at peace as regards the job situation and i know i am doing the right thing so please keep
praying for me. Other areas of my life, well that is another blogspace, not just an article.

I am a blessing

When your whole life, or what you know has followed a certain pattern
And then along comes someone/something that does not naturally fit into that mould,
Don't be afraid to melt the mould and look for a reform because
I trully believe that i am a blessing and i add value

One chance

There will always be many friends that support and care for a season in our lives but
True love might come around only once in our life time and it will remain for all seasons.

Be wise and be discerning.

It is what it is

Sometimes, it takes a word, a phrase or a line for the lightbulb to be switched on in my head

I am always happy when people slap me in the face with the realities of an issue even when
it is being presented in front of my face but i am still blind to it.
It is safe to say that my face is still stinging but i am all the better for it.

Age is no cure for naivity and sadly, i still see things through my ultra-naive specs,
Choosing to see differently even when the facts are being flashed before my face.

In my moment of clarity, i will say that i am not grateful because you choose to stick
around, neither am i thankful for your conversations. I am on the other hand glad that
we can chat and laugh and neither is a favour to me nor a charitable situation.

A re-defining of friendship takes place everytime and the success of this re-definition is
an absolute understanding of our boundaries or lack of. Making friends is a good thing
and on that note i say "welcome to the new improved and re-defined frienship". I am sure
that with this new and better understanding of our friendship, a certain thing will cease
to be an issue.

What a day

Had to go to the office today to sign all the redundancy documents
there was a good number of us there today going through the motions
I have submitted all the documents and signed off the end of an era.

I was always going to leave the company next month but for things to work
out the way they have is quite sad.

I wish all my former work colleagues the best in all future endeavours.

It trully has been emotional.

E don happen

At exactly 3:05pm this afternoon, i was made redundant. Never been made redundant in my life.

I am jobless!

Breaking news...

Citizens of blogville, it is happening..
Finally, our Directors called us all together today
To announce that from 3:30pm,
The company will be going into administration;

Lay man's english, i am jobless from 3:30pm.

The company is in the process of of buy out and things might return to normal
either tomorrow, or whenever cos the new owners will have to re-issue
employment contracts to all the staff they want to retain.

My heart went out to my Managing Director as he was making the announcement.
He was really upset and could not look us all in the face.

I know he will possibly make some money of the sale but i thought he was really hurt
by the turn of events. He has been a friend more than a boss and maybe that might
be one of the contributing factors to why things went wrong. Poor fella was in hospital
for about 3weeks with blood infection as well so he hobbled in with crutches.

It has been quite emotional here and i will definately miss a few people here.
No matter what happens tomorrow or whenever, i have made up my mind to leave.

I have been here for close to 2yrs and i can tell you all that it has been quite an emotional
day for me.

Come to think of it, the past say 36hrs have been quite emotional, alot has happened,
things have changed and my perspective is different.

Even the Lord.....

A man was riding his motorcycle along a California beach when suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish".
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I canride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to
reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would
take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take
a little more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she
feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Ahhhggggg!

I am under some self imposed gag order but i feel like...
AHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Value

Sometimes we just need to be
reminded!

A well-known speaker
started off his seminar by: holding up a $20.00
bill. In the room of 200, he asked, 'Who would like this
$20 bill?' Hands started going up.
He said, 'I am going to give this
$20 to one of you but first, let me
do this. He
proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.
He then asked, 'Who
still wants it?' Still the hands
were up in the air. Well, he
replied, 'What if I do this?' And he
dropped it on the ground and started
to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.
'Now, who still wants it?'
Still the hands went into the air.
My friends, we have all learned a
very valuable lesson. No matter what
I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.
It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives,
we are dropped, crumpled, and ground
into the dirt by the decisions we
make and the circumstances that come
our way. We feel as though we are
worthless. But no matter what has
happened or what will happen, you
will never lose your value. Dirty or
clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still
priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our
lives comes not in what we do or who we know,
but by WHO WE ARE and
WHOSE WE ARE.

Phew

What a day!
I am very proud to report that all 7 of the examiners voted for my dissertation to proceed.

Hey, thank you very much for that phone call this morning
At my moment of worry, you once more risked my huge frame on your fragile shoulder
Thank you for always knowing when to reach out to me
You know what i think of you.

Expectation pt 2

I have suddenly been hit with the realisation that contrary to my stand of not having expectations of people, i actually suffer from expectationitis.

Does this make me a hypocrite after many years of preaching about expectations?

I used the phrase "Duty of care" last night.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Somebody slap me!!!!!!!!

That is the biggest sign of expectationitis!

Past 12Hrs

The past 12hrs have been quite some period.
Anyways, i woke up at about 4.00am this morning to practice my presentation.
For those of you that do not know, i have 10mins today to present my dissertation topic
to the examination board and external examiners.
Lo and behold, the power point presentation i had done and copied onto disc did not contain
any of the pictures i had attached.
I quickly shot out of my house and went to my office and had to re-insert all the pictures and re-align all the pages.
I finally set out from my office for school at 6.55am.
During my drive down here, i was filled with thought about something.
Why is it more easy for you to be stubborn, set boundaries than to spend that same energy
in making the right connection.
It seems to me that alot goes into setting boundaries than actually forming a union.
No, i am not asking you to change who you are
The bible say "create in me a new heart, and renew a right spirit within me"
While it is what you know and what you are used to, it is not necessarily the best thing for you.
In building terms, before you can bond materials properly, you have to ensure that both surfaces
are prepared, cleaned and primed so that nothing disturbs the adhesion process.
Transport that into life and all it means is, certain things disturb adhesion/connection and to
aid this adhesion/connection process, a cleaning/priming needs to take place. This process does not rub the material of it basic chemical/human composition, it only serves to make the material/human more receptive to the other material/human that will be bonded on.

oh, good morning and i hope you slept well.

Brother, have you ever lost it?

At a certain time in my life, i have to say i lost it
I could not understand how it happened
All i know is one day i woke up and Hey Presto, it was gone
For a brief period, i panicked
What is this?
Why me?
How would i cope?
What are the effects?
Questions, questions
I could not handle it
Sleep was rare on other days
Eventually, i started to cope, re-adjusting my life to move forward
I started to take each day as it came and gradually, it did not seem so bad
Until one day, i got it back
I have to say that the heartache of getting it back was excruciating and it could have scared me.
Today, i can say that i have it back fully.
No, its not my Mojo i lost!
Loosing control of my heart to some woman was not the end of the world but a beautiful thing
And i can't wait to loose it again.

Read this and thought i'd share it with you

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else. 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is a special occasion.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. Get outside every day .
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you are loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Expectations

There is always excitement and anticipation at the thought of finally recieving, resolving or unravelling a mystery. While we spend alot of nervous energy raising expectations, it sometimes comes crashing before us cos that which we have built in our minds or held in high esteem does not match up to the fantasy we have created in our minds.

The beauty of realisation is not in the matching of our fantasy, but the acknowledgement of the reality of what is before you.

I hope i meet up to your expectations.

Choice

You can choose who you love
But you can not choose who loves you
There is a world of people out there and believe me,
there is someone out there going to return that which you freely give

Mothers Day

Tomorrow is mothers day and i would like to use this opportunity to thank all the mothers and future mothers out there for the big sacrifice you make. No man will be able to replicate the effort it takes to carry children for nine months so from the bottom of my heart, i stand in salute of this reponsibility you are born with and say thank you on behalf of all men out there with any sense of gratitude.

Happy mothers day to you all and to the following people:

Mummy Akoka
Mama Toro
Sister Funmi
Sister Seyi
Sister Folusho

You guys stood in the untimely gap that came about and i hope you are all proud of the men you raised.

From all three of us, thank you and we love you.

And oh, to you, yes, you, i know you are not a mother yet but i'm sure you will make a fantastic mother someday. Happy mothers day.

From a friend's blog

Do You Expect Too Much From Your Relationship?
We all deserve to find people who connect with us, who care for us, who make us laugh, who drive us crazy (in a good way), and who make us feel more excited than a popcorn kernel in a microwave. Of course, we should all strive for all five qualities, not settle for two or three of the total. That said, many of us have unfair expectations of what relationships are supposed to be like. Blame it on the movies, or romance novels, or Barbie-and-Ken mythology, but seeking perfection in a relationship isn't noble; it's doomed. Think about the lottery winners: They play with the hope that they'll score big, quit the job, buy a yacht, and party for the rest of their lives. But the reality for so many mega-bucks winners is that they end up in a dead-end life with relatives clawing at them and bankruptcy lawyers dividing the spoils. Why? Because their expectations of their fantasy life were far different than the reality, and they end up blowing the so-called best thing that ever happened to them. Same goes for relationships. You may hit lucky sevens with a perfect match, but if you don't manage the fantasy with a dose of reality, your heart will be headed for bankruptcy. Below, you'll find four key fantasy vs. reality clashes. Make sure you end up on the right side

Expectation: The Fireworks of Romance
Reality:
The Fireworks of Conflict Sure, when sparks fly in a beginning of relationship, you've got oodles of chemistry, hopes, and anticipation. But to think that every day is going to be a barrel of butter-cream icing is just asking for trouble. If you're experiencing a lot of passion, you need to manage the 180-degree side of that passion-hard-core conflict. While some see conflict as relationship weakness, it can actually be the opposite - a Harvard study, in fact, found that subjects who express their anger have half the risk of heart disease compared with men who internalize it. It's a sign that you're communicating, a sign that you both care about the relationship, and a sign that you've got sparks, not complacency.

Expectation: The Perfect Package
Reality: Imperfect Behavior When two people meet "the one," they tell all their friends about all the qualities of the new-found lover:
Cute, friendly, compassionate, funny, good job, nice shoes, gorgeous body. In other words, poifect! Yeah, right, your friends think, and they're probably right. Okay, your new love interest seems to fit 97 of your 100 pieces of criteria for the perfect mate - after the second date. But again, that level of expectation can be an unfair standard that your imperfect companion will never be able to live up to as weeks, months, and years pass. Better to admire and appreciate the things that made you swoon. Then, it's up to you to manage the warts and worries (in personality, behavior, hygiene, whatever) that will slowly be introduced the more you get to know them.

Expectation: Wild Nights, Sleepy Days
Reality: Wild Days, Sleepy Nights The joys of dating:
Party all night, then lounge around during the day in anticipation of the night ahead. Of course, the initial excitement - about an impending date on the town or a friendly tussle in the bedroom - is one of the main engines that drives the relationship early on. That power source will wind down a bit once commitment sets in and routine takes over. Fight the impulse to pull away when you start to feel this relationship shift; spending time with a romantic partner can curb work-related stress and lower blood pressure, according to researchers at the University of North Carolina. The most successful couples are the ones who are able to adapt to the fact that crazy work days, the stress of life, and the daily grind of reality will become a stronger force than all-night talks under the stars.

Expectation: Complete Immersion
Reality: Occasional Diversion When you start dating someone who drives you to Jack Nicholson levels of craziness, you want total saturation. You want to talk on the phone, you want an inbox full of flirty messages, you want five nights a week of dates, you can't stop thinking about them, and everything you say, do, smell, touch, or eat reminds you of that person. If that's you, I'm happy for you. That kind of all-consuming infatuation is one of the greatest feelings in life. But it just can't last. And - truth to tell - men may maintain an interest in the football, and want to watch a game or two with buds. Or women may decide that, heck, those end-of-season sales just can't go on without them. Many couples write off those feelings as evidence that they must be falling out of love. I don't see it that way. I see it as falling into reality, and successful couples know how to change their definition of immersion. In fact, University of Chicago researchers found that those with a wide circle of friends have an easier time dealing with stress and have a lower risk of heart disease than people who rely on only one or two others for support. That is, they don't see immersion as being based on quantity of time together, but rather immersing themselves in each other in whatever time they have-whether it's a lot or not.